THE STATE
v
MR. NICHOLAS CLAUS
Also known as "Santa Claus", "Kris Kringle", "Saint Nicolas" or "Father Christmas"
STATEMENT
I, Occular. W. Itness, of 174 Main Street, Whoville, do solemnly affirm and swear to the truth of this, my sworn statement:
1. Whereas, on or about the night prior to the 25th of December, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
2. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus" or "the subject") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
3. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
4. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being a tenant-by-the-entirety in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep (at such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, to wit: kerchief and cap).
5. Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved portion of real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
6. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
7. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus, as more specifically identified below.
8. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the aformentioned eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"; upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved).
9. The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.
10. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, specifically on the rooftop thereof, causing unspecified damage thereto by means of the hooves of said animal co-conspirators.
11. Whereupon Claus entered said House via the chimney.
12. The party of the first part positively identified said Claus from the following appearance: The subject was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. Claus' face was identifiable by certain cherry-like and bow-like features amd he was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations, the fumes of which assumed a wreathiform shape around the subject's head.
13. Said Claus made no utterances or admissions, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts (said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the tax staute or any applicable or relevant Gifts to Minors legislation).
14. Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts".
15. After vaulting in the Vehicle, signaling his co-conspirators and abettors with a whistle, Claus abruptly departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the dissapearance of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" (or words to that effect...).
SWORN BEFORE ON THIS 24TH DAY OF DECEMBER, 2008.
